Dark matter darker and crazier than the mad hatter makin moves taking control of my own wonderland but so much black n white I live in the grey now become a bit numb and bland but always taking a stand not a single person will get in my way this is my time so watch out world Matt co is back BadaBam
I’m money hungry and I’m doing shit my way now to support my family myself get out of debt pay bills and work an actual job that pays good enough to get by a bit. Fucking so fed up lately the aggravated I don’t give a fuck me is seeping back a bit.
I actually like this girl and I know I do it’s about time. 5 years till I actually felt something going on kinda like a crush from middle school feel. When I was in recovery I would always bump into her because I had a routine after my great job I used to have I would head to addict meetings and I would have a routine getting food before it on my way and seeing her at work. That’s when it really felt pure like a crush because I have seen her before while not being sober and I you could say like her and all she’s about , an infatuation. I did not know much about her and beginning to now because I’ve been able to stop being awkward and shy to calm and be myself ask her to hang out again more. I respect her and am a gentleman to every woman I respect who has self respect. I was lucky to take her on a date which was silly to even ask the night before drinking before she left but I want to really get to know her and let her meet go I really am. It was honestly a lot of fun and I’m glad I did it which I thought sounded so dumb to do but man it was fun and everything I wanted. Though I relapsed and I’m on my way back to recovery I knew fucked up or not I like this girl and don’t even want anyone else. I’ve seen her again today and I don’t smoke at all anymore I can’t take how it gets me but I did for and with her it was fun. I hope to see her more and get more in touch but keep myself casual be who we both are and not get all shy. She gives me a feeling like that scared/nervous feeling if you’re doing something illegal and cops pull up behind you. In my chest and stomach. I guess that’s butterflies right? I haven’t experienced any feelings for any girl since way back with my ex that really had me which we’ve all had and I’m glad to say we’re on mature adult talking terms can have a conversation and be friends talk about our past and not get any worked up type thing at all. I really wanted to even be able to get to know this girl and that we’ve been is really making me happy. I really want to be fully recovered again and be pure for anything ahead in life for everything and anything work family friends I want no more drug abuse and numbing. I want those months under my belt again and want it to be the rest of my life no more resets.
Work until city job, recovery, make that money support family and self, bills and payments, let money build up, live how you always dreamed.
No more bullshit no excuses actually staying on clean course been using until only two days now but not going to look back reality is already kicking in and I miss my old job that kept me in line commuting and making great money to pay for bills even had weekends off I regret being a slacker and fucking up. It’s real hard to sleep tonight or was since its 6am now. Fuck I want to kick my own ass.
I’m just looking for the ghoul of my dreams I see her every night only when I fall asleep but here in reality where will she be I can’t seem to find her it’s always just me
I think j have my closest friends then chilling I’m outcasted. There were only three there when I was on lock down from felony and that showed me a lot but now they’re not even responding, I feel like I’m starting to not remember how it is to be with true friends cause they all go in phones so doesn’t matter being in same room and just use me for beig driver and kindness or knowing ill get their backs. Only one today we didn’t even find plans but didnt just chill in a house all day though not much and I’m able to actually talk to. He asked me about this whole addiction thing never had it with the drug I did. He asked why and how it makes me feel. I said just makes me feel like, life is good again. He said that was the saddest response he ever heard then of course we laughed off had fun and all. I appreciate my friendship with that brother. Something is missing or will always be missing where I just want that and nothing more. Maybe the love I lost has to some how appear from where ever she moved away to recovered and say its okay she will stay with me and help me get clean again this time like right before we ended and all I asked was to stay and ill stop but was told to take them cause we were done. Maybe it connects back to that in a sort of way though there is so much more to it. I just miss so much I’m so miserable though I’m the happiest or at least I seem it all the time just to keep the vibes right. I miss friends. I miss how life used to feel for me. I miss routines. I miss jokes and shows. When you see me you can’t tell anything going on cause I keep it all inside but since I still have this and never tell people what mine is I just vent here and there some mentalities I’m in. Where is my life going.
Btw 555 keeps appearing for me I thought it was interesting than heard it means death so I guess death has just been over my shoulder. I did just find out I have phnemonia also. Honesty should have died way too many times I don’t get why I didn’t its a blessing but why what am I doing so important what’s my calling because I lost all inspiration motivation for almost everything even to keep conversations going. God tell me something.